


The Last to Know

by ussmckirk



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 17:55:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1574438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ussmckirk/pseuds/ussmckirk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>“Everybody knows that I'm in l—” Leonard cut himself off short, face turning almost purple. His jaw tightened and the shutters of his eyes were tugged closed.  “Everyone knows how I feel ‘bout you, Jim," he finished flatly.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Jim slowly shook his head, forehead creased as if he was trying desperately to figure out a particularly difficult math problem. “Really?” he finally asked with a slight squeak.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>“Yes, really. So how is it that you were the only person in the goddamned infinite universe who didn't know?” Leonard groused, one hand coming up to his hip in irritation.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Last to Know

-

 

Leonard’s mama used to always say he wore his heart on his sleeve. When he was pissed, his scowl and glare would let you know. When he was happy, his eyes, bright and crinkled at the corners, told the tale. He’d never learned to mask his emotions. With Leonard, what you saw was what you got. Of course, after his divorce, it was mostly ire, stress, and bitterness that was coming off him in waves. But that slowly changed after he met Jim.

Leonard wished he could conceal the way he felt, but putting on airs to cover his emotions just wasn’t in him. Luckily, Jim was gracious enough not to bring up the fact that Leonard was pathetically, hopelessly in love with him. Other people at the Academy gave Leonard shit for it, sometimes by way of gentle teasing, other times in the form of rude remarks. Whatever. People could think and say what they wanted. As long as Jim was sensitive enough to not mock him for his feelings, Leonard could deal.

Which is why he reacted so strongly when Jim kissed him.

It was going on 10 o’clock on a Tuesday, just a normal day, mid-semester. He and Jim had finally abandoned their books and crashed—fully clothed, of course—on Jim’s bed. The pair, mentally exhausted from hours of studying, had simply been staring up at the ceiling, lights at 30%. They’d been talking about everything and nothing at all. In fact, Leonard had been in the middle of griping about the professor in his xenobiology class when Jim suddenly rolled towards him, eyes dark and determined as he leaned in for the kiss.

Leonard stopped breathing. Stopped thinking. All he could think, could feel was _Jim, Jim, Jim._

Leonard let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding as Jim pulled back, gaze studying Leonard’s face searchingly.

“Is this okay?” Jim asked, shifting closer, the arm he wasn’t leaning on gesturing between their bodies. “I just figured, we could both could use some ‘stress relief’, and there’s no way we’ve got the energy to go out and find people to hook up with, so, you know…we're friends, we're hot, may as well help each other out,” Jim gave Leonard a ‘whatd’ya say’ smile.

Leonard stared at Jim blankly for a moment as he processed the words, and then he was coming back to himself; Abruptly he pushed Jim away, scrambling back and clamoring to his feet in rush.

“What the hell, Jim?” Leonard demanded, voice shaking, face hot. “Why would you _do_ that…” The doctor backed away, fury and hurt cresting within him, afraid for a moment that he might lose it and actually throw a punch.

Jim lay frozen, apparently not having anticipated this reaction.

“This isn’t a game, Jim.” Leonard swallowed thickly, an utterly stricken look on his face. “I can’t believe you’d mess with my feelings like this.”

Jim shook his head as he slowly rose from the bed, brow furrowed in bafflement. “Okay, I’m confused.”

Leonard huffed a sharp, grating laugh. “Didn’t expect to get turned down, huh? What were you thinking, Jim? That you were horny and wanting an easy fuck, so hey, why not take advantage of the fact that your best friend’s in love with you? Not like he’d say no, right?” 

“I…excuse me?” Jim croaked, face going pale as he slowly sat back down on the bed.

“It’s fine that you don’t feel the things I feel, Jim. And believe me, I’m grateful you’ve never made fun of my tendency to act like a lovesick fool on occasion,” Leonard choked out, voice now a raspy whisper. “But you can’t use my feelings for you against me when you’re looking for a convenient way to get off.”

Jim sat, downright gobsmacked, unable to locate his voice as he watched Bones turn and go.

He stared at the door that’d closed behind Leonard for several minutes before finally finding the words.

“Bones…I didn’t know.”

******************

 

When Jim’s brain finally started working again, it was shouting at him one clear directive—Go after Bones!). There was no sign of Leonard in the hallway, so Jim headed out the building.

The cadet awkwardly dodged a few girls from his Ethics class, throwing a hasty apology over his shoulder as he thrust open the front doors of the dormitory. For a moment he held his breath, then spotting Bones’ retreating back, he rushed to catch up with him.

“Bones—wait!”

Leonard didn’t turn around; shoulders tensed, head to the ground, he was hunched forward as if he was trying to will himself farther away. “Leave me alone, Jim. I mean it.”

Jim, never one to heed a warning, made a grab for Leonard’s upper arm. “Bones, stop for a second!” he pleaded, holding on tight so his friend couldn’t get away. 

Leonard halted, but didn’t turn back or lift his head. “Jim,” he bit out through clenched teeth. There was a dangerous note to his voice that Jim had never heard before. “Let go of my arm.”

Jim faltered ever so slightly, then shook his head. “Bones, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

Leonard finally lifted his head and the utterly wounded look on his face punched Jim in the gut. His expression was a warbling mixture of embarrassment, hurt, and anger; the emotions were swirling around and within each other like three different colors of poured paint bleeding together.

“I can’t listen to this right now, Jim,” Leonard growled, red-rimmed eyes avoiding Jim’s stunned gaze.

When Leonard’s voice trembled with the tacked on, “Please,” Jim felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. He released his hold on Bones' arm.

But what was he supposed to do? Just let Bones go? What if he never came back? The fear that thought sent stabbing through him, had Jim striking out in retaliation.

“So, what are you going to do, Bones? Run away? Avoid me forever?” he demanded, voice sharp.

His ire seemed to fuel Leonard’s own, and the older man finally met his gaze squarely. “Maybe I should,” he agreed with a glare. “Who the hell would blame me, huh?”

Just as suddenly as it had ignited, the fire in Leonard’s eyes suddenly flickered out and the look of unmitigated vulnerability that was left in its wake made Jim long for the vitriol.

“I never thought you’d…” Leonard had to pause, his throat tightening. "It was just..." Struggling to keep his voice even, he looked away. “It was just a crap thing to do to somebody, Jim.”

“Bones…” Jim whispered, at a loss. 

Hearing the plea in the familiar word, Leonard sighed. “No, I’m not gonna avoid you forever, okay?” he muttered, eyes still fixed unseeingly at some random spot across the quad. “You’re my best friend, and I couldn’t change that even if I wanted to, Jim. I just need a little time.”

Leonard shifted on his feet and crossed his arms over his chest. Usually the gesture meant he was annoyed, but it looked this time like an attempt to protect himself. “Give me a week, alright? Give me a week and then I’ll be fine. Just…don’t bring it up. We’ll just forget it ever happened..”

Jim knew the statement wasn't meant to hurt him. but that didn't keep it from making his heart clench.

Jim didn't want to forget what had happened. He didn't want to forget hearing somebody say that they loved him. Nobody had ever said those words to him before. Nobody. And for those words to come from Bones...

Jim had to draw in a breath and squeeze his hands into fists. “Bones," he protested as evenly as he could. "We need to talk about what happened back there. I-”

Leonard’s eyebrows furrowed stubbornly as he glared at Jim. “No. We don’t,” he quickly interjected, tone showing he would not be swayed. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jim.”

“Well, too bad,” Jim exclaimed in frustration. When Leonard opened his mouth to protest, Jim rushed forward before he could. “Bones, shut up a minute and just listen!” 

Leonard huffed a humorless laugh, obviously pissed Jim couldn’t grant him his one measly request. He sent Jim one more pointed scowl before he spun and started stalking away.

Not knowing what else to do, Jim blurted out a rushed, “I didn’t know, Bones!”

Jim sucked in a breath when Leonard’s steps faltered. But when he turned around a moment later, his expression wasn’t one of surprise or relief or anything else Jim might have expected. It was confusion.

“You didn’t know what?” Leonard asked, apparently having only stopped because he didn’t like not knowing what the hell was going on around him.

“I didn’t know that you…” Jim trailed off helplessly, not sure he could say the actual words Bones had used. “Felt that way. About me,” he finally managed to stammer out lamely. “I just…”

Jim made a garbled sound of frustration, struggling to speak coherently now that Bones was staring at him so intently. Bones who loved him. Who was in love with him. Jim fidgeted under the scrutiny, brain stuttering as Bones' eyes zeroed in on him like he was the only thing in the universe. “I just…didn’t know.”

“What do you mean you didn’t know? How the hell did you not know, Jim?” Leonard asked incredulously.

Jim frowned at Bones’ dismay. He made it sound like Jim was a total idiot. He wasn't a total idiot. Right?

“You never said anything before,” Jim pointed out, with a touch of defensiveness. 

Leonard just stared at him for a moment, his ‘Are you fucking kidding me right now?’ expression out in full force. “Well not outright, no. But I’ve never been able to hide how I feel from anyone. Hell. My Mama always said I was about as subtle as a kick in the balls.”

Jim raised his eyebrows at that colorful expression.

“Everybody knows that I'm in l—” Leonard cut himself off short, face turning almost purple. His jaw tightened and the shutters of his eyes were tugged closed. “Everyone knows how I feel ‘bout you, Jim," he finished flatly.

At Jim’s look of abject bewilderment, Leonard threw his hands up and rolled his eyes. “When we go out to a bar and you leave with someone, I’ve always got Uhura or Gaila, or whoever we’ve got with us, coming up and asking if I’m okay. Once the fucking bartender brought me a free beer and told me to ‘hang in there’. Which was embarrassing as fuck, by the way. The nurses on my shift on the clinic are always asking if I’ve manned up and told you how I feel yet. One time, a waitress at Manny’s waited til you’d gone to the can, then came over, patted me on the shoulder and said, ‘You really should talk to him. Maybe he feels the same way you do, and just hides it better’. The waitress, Jim! Who we’d never even met before!”

Jim slowly shook his head, forehead creased as if he was trying desperately to figure out a particularly difficult math problem. “Really?” he finally squeaked.

“Yes, really. So how is it that you were the only person in the goddamned infinite universe who didn't know?” Leonard groused, one hand coming up to his hip in irritation. The doctor hesitated for a moment before deciding that he'd already been outed anyway, and admitted, "For God's sake, Jim. I have severe aviophobia, yet I'm taking the classes needed for a starship posting. Because I'm planning to follow your ass out into the black."

Jim closed his eyes at that, both incredibly humbled that Bones was facing his biggest fears _for him_ and feeling like an idiot for never having looked closely enough to notice.

"I..." Jim opened his eyes. And his mouth. But nothing came out. How was he supposed to explain that Bones being in love with him had never even crossed his mind because the notion that _anyone_ would ever feel that way about him had seemed ridiculous. He wasn't worth loving. He never had been. His brother hadn't loved him enough to stick around. Neither had his mother. The people he fucked had never wanted _him_ ; they were only interested in what they could get _from_ him: a boost in their reputation, a story to tell their friends, a good fuck, or someone who was willing to let them do things to him that most other people wouldn't allow. All because he wanted someone to act like he mattered for a few minutes. To touch him and act like they cared.

Jim Kirk had never been enough. He'd known that since he was a little kid. How could he have known that Bones had never received the memo?

Jim’s face went hot, and suddenly his shoes seemed infinitely interesting. He knew how pathetic this was going to sound, but he couldn't let Bones keep thinking he'd known how he felt and had tried to take advantage of those feelings to get an easy fuck.

“It just never occurred to me, okay? The idea that anyone would be in love with me…it’s... weird. I mean, _why_?" Jim shrugged his shoulder, an uneasy burst of laughter escaping his throat. 

“Why would ever feel that way? About me?” Jim slowly lifted his head, and the startled look of pity on Bones' face made his cheeks burn with shame. 

“Nobody has ever…I’ve never…” Jim rubbed a frustrated hand over his face as he struggled to explain without humiliating himself any further. 

“Fuck, Bones." His voice was suddenly small. "Even my own mother didn’t…” Jim's throat clamped shut, the rest of the words refusing to be forced through.

“Christ, kid.”

Jim was still looking down, so it took him by surprise when he was suddenly yanked into Bones’ arms and pulled tightly against the other man’s chest.

“Um…”

He and Bones were fairly touchy-feely with each other, mostly due to Jim’s tactile nature. A slap on the shoulder, hand on the back, ruffling of hair, wasn’t unusual. But this type of full-bodied, bone crushing hug was far from the norm.

Jim’s face burned with embarrassment at the fact that he was apparently so pitiable that Bones thought a hug like this was necessary. 

But fuck it, it felt too good to be wrapped up in Bones’ arms, engulfed by his smell, pressed so close he could hear the thud of Bones' heartbeat against his own chest. Jim fisted Bones’ t-shirt in his hands and buried his face in his friend’s shoulder.

“Anybody who had the chance to love you or be loved by you and didn’t take it is a goddamned fool. If your family didn’t love you like they shoulda’, it’s not because you weren’t good enough. It’s because _they_ weren’t.”

Jim sucked in a shaky breath, eyes suddenly stinging and wet.

“You hear me, Jim?”

Jim nodded against Bones’ t-shirt, blinking rapidly so he wouldn’t do something stupid, like cry like a baby in the middle of the quad.

After several moments of just being held, Jim made a muffled noise of protest when Bones pulled back. From the way Bones from rubbed his palms along the front of his thighs and shuffled on his feet, Jim wasn’t the only one embarrassed by what had transpired. 

“So, I’m thinking we should just pretend that what happened in the dorm never happened,” Leonard ventured uncomfortably. “You didn’t know and weren’t trying to…”

Leonard stopped mid-sentence and, closing his eyes, took a deep breath. When he opened them again, he looked directly at Jim and kept his tone even. “Just don’t ask to do the whole friends who fuck thing again, okay? I just….can’t do that with you.”

Jim was a bit hurt Bones would think he’d do such a thing now that he knew about his best friend's feelings. “Jesus, Bones. Of course I won’t. If I’d known…how you felt, you have to know I never would've suggested it in the first place.”

Leonard flinched, a brittle laugh escaping his throat. “Believe me, I know Jim," he muttered, misunderstanding what Jim had been trying to say.

Jim cringed at Bones' reaction. “No. That’s not what I meant, Bones,” he corrected in a rush, hating to see Bones looking so rejected. “I don’t mean I wouldn’t have suggested sleeping together. I just wouldn’t have asked to do the whole fuck-buddies thing.”

Bones was studying Jim with a frown, apparently not sure what to make of his comment.

Jim steeled himself and decided he was gonna have to be a little more clear.

“If I’d known how you feel, I would have…” Jim was so fucking nervous. He didn’t think he’d ever been so nervous in his life. “I’d have asked you on a date instead.”

“A date?” 

Leonard’s expression was dubious.

Jim nodded, suddenly shy. “Yeah. A date,” he repeated, biting his lip.

Leonard studied him intently for several seconds before deciding Jim was sincere;l he inhaled sharply, caution and hope fighting for dominance in his expression. “You have to mean it, Jim. Don’t do this if you don’t mean it," he warned nervously. "You have to be sure.”

Seeing the uncertainty in his best friend’s eyes, Jim reached out and took hold of his hand. “I mean it. And I’m sure,” he told him steadily.

And, God, he was. Yes, part of Jim wanted to tell Bones that he could do so much better than him. But Jim was selfish enough to tell that part of himself to go fuck itself. 

Jim had never let himself even imagine being with Bones like that, because he’d never thought that was something he could have. But now that he knew that he could have Bones--really have him, in every sense of the word, there was no question in his mind that there was nothing he wanted more.

Jim watched as the tension melted from Bones’ face to be replaced with the most beautiful smile Jim had ever seen. 

“Well, alright then,” Bones said softly, looking like someone who wasn’t sure what was around the corner, but who was willing to find out. “It’s a date.”

“Oh. Okay,” Jim said stupidly. “Good. A date."

Jim wanted to punch himself in the face. What was wrong with him? But Leonard just seemed reassured by his fumbling of the situation and laughed.

“Pick me up at 7," he told Jim with a nod.

“Seven,” Jim echoed dumbly, an idiotic grin spreading across his face.

Jim may or may not have given a fist-pump in the air as he watched Bones walk away, but he wasn’t telling.

 

 

*****

 

 

A/N: Big shout-out to Heather for beta-ing and making this much more presentable. ;-)


End file.
